


unwanted thoughts

by yuksan_yang



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: I don’t know how to do tags, a lot of thoughts, chan is enby too, hey at least there’s a cool amethyst in here, i stress wrote this at 6 am, i totally didn’t forget to add that, i’m not good at expressing my feelings, not me projecting like that, this is a vent post
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:22:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28590969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuksan_yang/pseuds/yuksan_yang
Summary: this is me projecting all of my unwanted thoughts onto chan at 6 in the morning. i don’t write a lot so i’m sorry if this whole thing looks messy. i’m not really expecting anyone to read this but, if anyone does, uh hi! i hope you enjoyed reading my thought process? i don’t know to word that properly. anyways, enjoy! i’m gonna try to sleep because i have school in less than an hour!
Kudos: 3





	unwanted thoughts

“think about it this way. do you really need to be in a relationship?”

those words played in the back of their head once more, bringing back the familiar feeling of dread that filled their stomach every time they even thought of the week’s passed events. 

“are you really ready to commit to someone again? or do you just crave the attention? you’re afraid of getting hurt so, why do you want to be with someone?”

the questions were too loud. how could they answer any of them? it’s not like they knew why they felt this way. 

chan let out an annoyed sigh as they lifted up one of their crystals. it was an amethyst, a christmas gift from their grandmother. they brought the crystal up to their head and placed it in between their eyes. 

“do you know what you want? do you know what you need? you already have so much to worry about, so much to do. why bother yourself with a relationship?”

there was a lot to do. shadow work, school, self improvement overall- a relationship shouldn’t be on that list.

“you’re the one that ended the relationship. you needed to. so why are you still stuck up on everything? your goal was to get them away and you achieved it. so why are you constantly checking on them? you even did something that you never thought you would and yet, you’re still thinking about them. you feel bad. but for what?”

the amethyst was starting to make their head hurt but, they didn’t want to take it off yet. if anything, the pounding would probably help take their mind off the unwanted thoughts. but deep down they knew that it wouldn’t work. 

“do you want them in your life? or do you want to take back what you did and be separated in peace? why are you even worried about it? didn’t they hurt you first? isnt this payback for everything they’ve done? all the pain you felt, all the times you spent stressing because you made them upset, the stomachaches you had because you were anxious over what they would say if you didn’t text back or give them the answer they wanted? after all of that, why do you still feel bad?”

it hurt. they couldn’t tell if it was the amethyst or the loaded questions that sat in their mind. either way, it almost brought tears to their eyes. it was dizzying. the dull pain between their eyes was starting to get aggravating at this point but they didn’t care. they just wanted to know why they felt this way. 

“you’re so quick to warm up to anyone that shows you any type of romantic affection. but even then, you still question how someone could like you. you want love but you can’t seem to love yourself. you constantly call yourself unattractive but you crave love. you’re repulsed by yourself but you want someone to love you. so deprived of love, you’d date someone that treats you like shit. why can’t you see that there’s something wrong? why won’t you help yourself before trying to get into a relationship?”

the amethyst felt like it was burning. chan kept their eyes squeezed shut s as they tried to push the thoughts away. it hurt. it hurt so bad. why couldn’t they get over this? why won’t it stop?

“how can you expect someone to love you properly if you don’t even love yourself?”

despite how much their hands were shaking, chan gently grabbed the crystal and placed it back in its spot on its alter. 

they let themself zone out for a few seconds before moving to sit down on their bed. the thoughts in their head finally decided to go away for now but they would be back eventually. that was fine.   
for now though, they decided to try and sleep. it was all they could do. maybe tomorrow won’t be as bad. and if it is? well, they’ll just have to try and push through it once more.

**Author's Note:**

> i don’t know if i’ll be posting more vent posts like this. i’m not that great at writing and my thoughts are all around the place. but, i wrote this because i got out of a toxic relationship recently and it’s kinda affected me a lot. this is the best way for me to get rid of the noise going on in my head, yknow? but yeah! shoutout to bang chan for being the swaggiest man on earth! i should really sleep now LMAO


End file.
